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Today, speculation has reached us that McLaren are contemplating running two versions of their car for the 2009 championship. Realising exactly how likely that idea is to win them official sanction or public approbation we took to thinking about other bizarre, and no less improbable, measures that all the teams could take to promote themselves to the top of the standings. Here are a few suggestions:

1. Ferrari: The Scuderia must obviously start in Melbourne with an award of 100 points on their slate which are then deducted in proportion to the number of races lost. This is a fair and transparent system, which nonetheless means they will not feel obliged to get chippy mid-season if other teams have a higher score, and go on to ruin the racing for everyone else.
2. McLaren: The mistake of Woking’s finest in 2008 has been to adhere to driver equality. This team can only succeed with a blazing young talent who is, crucially, also a Finn. Not a blazing young talent AND a Finn – that’s no good at all. Therefore expect news of the imminent signing of the South Karelia Under-Fives Pedal Car Champion for the driver development programme.
3. BMW: Mario Theissen needs to think about his team’s German roots and get little Mick Schumacher’s name on a contract right this minute before Ferrari have the chance. Unless papa has already signed away the rights to his offspring. Or was obliged to leave genetic samples for cloning purposes in the Maranello vault.
4. Renault: One of the simplest solutions of the lot. Paint the car red, serve pasta and very strong espresso in the Enstone canteen and have the pit crew speak in cod-Italian accents to convince Fernando Alonso that he is, in fact, already driving for Ferrari.
5. Red Bull: Apparently this miracle beverage gives you wings – but we never see any evidence of this on the racetrack. Instead of struggling onwards with dodgy gearboxes and exploding engines Adrian Newey needs to radically rethink his interpretation of the sporting regulations. We expect to hear the announcement of the first RB F-111’s inaugural flight any day now.
6. Toyota: Swap the TF108s for a pair of Toyota Tundra monster trucks – then Timo Glock can hit who he likes and get away with it. And Jarno Trulli’s vehicle will be so wide that no-one will ever overtake him again.
7. Williams: Sir Frank’s veteran outfit badly need to level the playing field. Rather than being the only privateer team with ambitions to actually win a race, they need to make this a popular and successful option once more. Behind-the-scenes manoeuvring, building a secret power base, that sort of thing. The aim being to completely change the commercial basis under which F1 is conducted. Er, hang on a minute… (And, if sabotage fails, didn’t privateers used to come equipped with cannon and grapeshot for more direct action?)
8. Toro Rosso: The obvious solution for a plucky lower-midfield team, fond of a gimmick or two and wanting to improve its profile, is to recruit a couple of Top Gear presenters. Surely a bit of testosterone would be better than two frail aesthetes called Seb. This will allow for hours of consummate arsing about of the chicane-cutting, engine-blowing, kerb-colliding, rear-end shunting variety – and with no consequences from the stewards whatsoever. And everyone will love them for it. Why has no-one thought of this before?
9. Force India: Expect this team to harness the legendary power of Bollywood. Just when the race is getting boring and processional a gang of implausibly good-looking mechanics and PR girls will leap out on the track for a feel-good song and dance routine that magically assists the cars to victory in a shower of rose petals, leaving dazzled opponents trailing in their wake and cheering crowds celebrating.
10. Honda: Sorry – we think they’re pretty much beyond help. Not very funny, either, these days…

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